Ephemera-Inc loses golden opportunity

The other day the ol' Freelance Writing Jobs blog came through with what I felt was a fantastic opportunity: writing slogans for Ephemera-Inc, which makes buttons, bumper stickers and fridge magnets featuring snarky, off-color, irreverent and generally hilarious sayings, often featuring retro 1950s-era pictures of women and men.

I immediately went on a crazed slogan-writing jag, transforming myself into a woman, a pothead, a pervert, an atheist — whatever it took to make eyebrows rise and jaws drop. At 50 bucks a pop, I saw a bright future and an early retirement: I would be a professional sloganeer.

I wrote several dozen slogans over the course of the afternoon. But much to my dismay, it took only 24 hours for Ephemera to reject every single one of them, with nothing but a form e-mail by way of explanation. Why, why, why? Who knows. Who cares. The result is, I'm bequeathing them to the world. Specifically to you, my loyal readers (all six of you). Lucky dogs!

So here they are. Be warned: some are rude, some are lewd, some are nasty. They're not really me, of course.

Well, maybe they are. Okay, I can't lie. They're me. Every last one of them.

A "Sieg Hiel" a day keeps the Gestapo away

As a matter of fact, I did get laid this morning!

Dead pets make fantastic doorstops

Plumber: "I wear the Wonder-Butt for maximum butt cleavage enhancement!"

Casual Sex Fridays have really made the office more fun!

Soap - Try it, you hippie!

Tuesday is Go Down on Your Wife day!

(person in bathtub)
Save soap - make your own bubbles

Pubic hairs - the more convenient dental floss!

Marijuana – Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

Heroin – It’s one way to deal with having toddlers!

Never trust anyone under 13

The Rhythm Method – Another way to say, “Momma!”

Gretchen McCluskey, Woman of the Year: Figured out how to take the stick out of her husband’s ass and get it into his penis.

Oops, I think I sharted!

Sorry, my givashit’s broken

Cucumbers – Superior to men in so many ways

Sorry I’m a bitch – my vibrator’s on the fritz

Butt Plugs – the secret to my success

Let’s swap spit

I have a gold medal in tonsil hockey

I’m so hot, I smoke after sex

I wank because I can

Fellatio – Part of a complete breakfast!

Cunnilingus – Start your day off right!

The Clitoris – Confounding men since 10,000 B.C.!

I know where my G-spot is, and I give good directions

Tantric sex – seemingly semenless

I’m imagining you naked

Excuse me while I pull this rubber hand out of my ass

Babies – Your sex life, out the window!

(woman)
I never give head on the first date – but I don’t mind receiving it!

My girlfriends told me to keep my panties on. I assumed they were speaking of the floor.

No vacancy

Check your dipstick, you look like you’re a quart low

In another lifetime, I was someone who gave a shit.

Be the change you want to find in your sofa.

Babies: One small squirt for man, one giant pain in the ass for womankind.

As a matter of fact, I’d LOVE to have a wild hare up my ass!

Britney: Grow some pubes, please!

Jesus saves; Britney shaves

Jesus is coming – now we can REALLY get stoned!

I’m expensive – Don’t waste your time, Jethro

High Maintenance – Better bring a wrench, pretty boy

I got laid in under an hour using Craig’s List

(you know those fake oval Euro bumper stickers? They need to be mocked)
DA
(tiny print: Dumb Ass)

I found Jesús – He mowed my lawn

Craig’s List – Where even nerds can find a piece of ass

Phone Sex
- Set phone to “Vibrate”
- Insert phone
- Wait for boyfriend to call

All I really need to know I learned in band camp (or: on Jerry Springer; from "Deliverance"; from Abba)

Turkey Basters – The first step towards man’s obsolescence

(woman)
“I found Jesus, then he found my G-spot!”

After the Immaculate Conception, did Mary make God sleep in the wet spot?

After the birth of Christ, the manger was visited by the Three Kinks
(dudes dressed up in fetish outfits, bearing gifts)

“But honey, you know I’m only a bitch [or asshole, if it’s a man] to you!”

“Why are you so chipper today, Wanda?”
“I just started my own three-man harem!”

I actually enjoy having my panties in a twist

Wedgie survivor

“Betty, if you want someone to munch your muffin on a regular basis, you need to get yourself a nerd.”


And, last but not least...

I went to the polling booth but all I got was this lousy president.